Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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