dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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