I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
