I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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