My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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