i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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