While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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