i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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