My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
