yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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