Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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