I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
