if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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