I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
