Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
