If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
