dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
