I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
