At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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