one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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