you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
