I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
