On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I have feelings that need drinking.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
