Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
