How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
