I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
