I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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