look no pants
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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