he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
