She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
