My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
