Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
