Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did