im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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