Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
