i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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