If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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