nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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