Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
