I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
