I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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