This dress was meant to end up on your floor
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I will pee on everything he values.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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