someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I think my fart just growled at me.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Randomize
