No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
How external is "for external use only"?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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