Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
