Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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