Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
