a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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