I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
