he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
