found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
