First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
