he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
my sisters under your porch take her home
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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