i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
