my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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