Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
PS: I just woke up from my shower
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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