So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
