the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
