just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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