I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
