Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
